i’m graduating college in 12 days. what? how did this even happen? my roughly 30.page (lookin like it might be longer…) honors thesis needs to get submitted by friday, and i need to present to the department. after that, i’m done. done with college. again, what??
oh and i think i may have swine flu. how appropriate that i’m ending my college career by being sick, just how i started (and spent most) of my college career.
Things are changing, how stupid. Things are always changing these days, I see it in the smallest manifestations of life, though the majority of things seem dull, constant, habitual, boring, bla blaa. Of course I have five million important big things to do in the next week and of course I am putting them all off until the very last day, in the process creating an unecessary amount of everlasting stress for myself, stress that could very well be (somewhat) minimized if I stopped being the queen of procrastination that I am. I am an asshole to myself. Sometimes I think that this is how it is always going to be, I will always find a way to treat myself like shit regardless of how many chances I have to do the complete opposite. And I will continue to be very aware of it, realizing that I am ridiculous and inefficient at times (not all the time, I promise) but I will refuse to do anything about it because my life needs to be difficult to the point of having a breakdown. Always. Always, man!
Well I didn’t get Teach for America, no surprise there, though I had somehow managed to hold onto this tiny bit of hope that somehow somebody would overlook how stupid I am at life (ummmm, but secretly awesome, of course) and make a huge mistake and let me teach some kids for two years. Unfortunately (fortunately, for the kids) that did not happen and I am back to where I started, with no hope for my future etc. It is a pretty awesome place to be! I feel like it’s right that I didn’t get it though, I was so unsure about how I felt about it and while I was all excited when writing the essays and applying, I knew that excitement would be short lived and I probably would not have enough faith in myself to go through with it anyway (though I think I would be a rad teacher, I’m not going to lie to myself about that). BUT regardless it would have been nice for someone to be like “Deb you’re not a complete waste, you’re good at some things, and we’re not going to reject you, your life is not a joke of epic proportions, we promise, come work for us and stop stressing about what you have to do with your life for the next year or two!” But, nope. It’s okay, I tell myself. Speaking of stressing about what I have to do with my life for the next year or two, I have been treating it like it’s a completely irrelevant issue, like I don’t have to worry about it at all. I’m pretty good at this whole “pretend your life isn’t a joke right now and won’t still be a joke in 4 months even though you’ll have a college degree from a pretty damn good school” thing, but man, am I not the most delusional person alive right now? Man this is making me stupidly depressed. I have decided to not write in here again until something significantly positive happens. See you in ten years, internet audience!
Apparently now I have a thing for dudes with beards. Whennnnn did this happen? I’ve never been a huge fan of facial hair, well, scruff’s always good, but now I’m totally all over these tall dudes with facial hair (not a lot though, just a nice healthy amount) and it’s creeping me out because I always thought facial hair was dirty and now any time I see a dude with a beard I think to myself, “nice!” even though I’m secretly semi-grossed out. Whatever. Sarcastic bearded redheads, oh man.
So, anyway. I’m in the process of applying to Teach for America, a decision I made roughly two weeks ago and am experiencing this weirdly calming confidence about (even though I have to write two essays in the next 5 hours that basically will determine whether I make it or not, it’s okay, I can do it, I’ve had to do a lot worse, and if they don’t want me it wasn’t right for me anyway. Whoa, positive outlook on life, weird). It’s kind of terrifying to think of myself being a teacher for two years, as it’s something that I never really wanted to do (and still don’t know if I’d want to do), but it’s a really awesome cause, which I’m all about. Anyway, the chances of me getting it are pretty low but I feel good about having applied so I guess I’ll just sit here and wait for them to either accept or reject me and then figure out my life from there. Okay. I’ve been grinding my teeth in my sleep again, stupid stress, go away. It’s gotten really bad though, to the point where I think I’ve been biting the insides of my cheeks too (yeah, what the heck?) because they hurt like hell and feel weird & bruised.
Ummmmm. I have a big test on Tuesday and I need to study but of course I am procrastinating through the internet as usual. Hi, queen of procrastination. Okay bye!
How cool of me, to be writing in my online blog when I have 300 sheets of bio I need to learn/get through/master/puke on. It’s not that I hate this class or anything, or even that I hate bio, I just have this terrible relationship with it in the sense that it always reminds me of how disgusting my first three semesters of college were and how fucked up I was over them. I just have no interest whatsoever in learning about how plants really can sexually AND asexually reproduce (like it’s a big secret or something and only top-notch biologists are allowed to know? ummm, okay, if that’s what gets you through the day) or why it was really important for a certain species of special seeds in Norway 5 million years ago to be distributed in a specific manner or “how many millions of years ago did this weird stupid gene that had a mutation rate of .00000002342 drift apart from another weird stupid gene that it was pretty much identical to?” or “what is the evolutionary paradox of sexuality?” I mean. I DON’T CARE. And while I have convinced myself that I am going to know a lot of important biological concepts after I finish this class and do well in it, I can’t help thinking about how useless this information will be to me in my future. Like, what, I’m going to be standing outside at a psych conference and some distinguished psychologist will walk up to me and we’ll start admiring the flowers in the garden and he’ll make some comment about how pretty they are and I’ll jump in with “Well actually, did you know that those flowers reproduce asexually 45% of the time, but the other 55% of the time they’re completely sexual! Did you know that they’re related to a rare species that evolved 3 million years ago but they evolved without natural selection? I mean, can you imagine! Did you even know that was possible??” Ummmm. Yeah, I can totally see that happening.
Anyway. This morning I was so good at convincing myself I was going to be productive, ummmm, fail. I got up early, did work, went to the new boulder (across the river, it’s actually really nice, larger than the one on alexander, two levels, though it was freezing in there and of course no one else was cold but jenn and I had to leave we were so frozen at one point), where I got some work done and then, woops, out of nowhere had an anxiety attack. TIME TO GO! ahh I was just so cold and uncomfortable and of course freaking out over nothing, secretly freaking out to jenn (and of course she is understanding of these things, which I appreciate, because had I been with other people it would have been ten times more inappropriate and awkward, whatever, but she understands and typically does a good job of pretending that it is an endearing quality of mine, thanks jenn, you’re the best, i’d marry you if you were a dude). Like I said before, I am becoming an extrovert with social anxiety, how weird/annoying/inconvenient. Anyway. So now I am just sitting here, working on this (really really fucking long) problem set, trying to forget I have a big test on wednesday. I think I spent about two hours today trying to find a place on campus to study that wasn’t crowded by people or freezing and, big shocker, I couldn’t do it. So. I want to know what I am (well my parents are) paying $40,000 every year for me to go to this school?? I think it’s too late to be asking this question. Speaking of it being too late, there are 98 days until graduation. I guess that is code for “get your shit together you idiot”. Yep.
I just hit the snooze button for two hours straight. FAIL. I really hate when I wake up and am actually hungry, which barely ever happens, but I have to take my stupid meds and wait a stupid hour. But I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning, and the sun is shining and I’m in a pretty damn good mood and plan on staying this way throughout the day (even though my day is going to be filled with bio things, stupid bio things, and quite possibly locking myself in the library. ehh.). Yeah. Hey I can be happy too!!!
So last night when I should have been reading about evolution I was going through all these old emails from junior year of high school and laughing my ass off at how ridiculous I was/we were. I don’t even know why I kept all this shit, I just never bothered to clean out my old email account. Maybe I secretly knew that they would provide me with much needed entertainment on some random night when I was being silly and depressed and on the verge of becoming an adult. You know?? Well they’re all gone now. Also I would like to recognize that for every 20 shitty people in my life, there is one good, at least seemingly good, decent, “will catch you off guard, surprise you when you least expect but most need it” person. So, thanks for that. =)
Ummm but this dude, whoever he is, needs to stop calling me. And I need to stop giving out my number when I’m drunk/barely have a pulse/have no idea who I was even talking to. Dude#1 I understand giving my number to, although I deeply regret it ever since Kate told me how weirdly into me he was and actually wanted to get to know me/hang out sober. (Wait. What? I don’t hang out sober with dudes I meet at bars, no thank you, unless you’re actually an interesting legitimate human with redeemable qualities, which rules out about 95% of them.) Dude #2 (who called me yesterday, also early sunday morning, so I know I met him saturday night, but don’t have his number in my phone thus not knowing who the fuck he is), who I thought was Dude #1’s friend, apparently is not, and according to Kate he is the “nice dude at the pita pit you met while I was taking to his friend that had just gotten out of jail and had his name tattooed on his hand. you either made out with him or bit him but i’m pretty sure he asked for your number. Don’t you remember any of that??!” No, Kate, I do not! WINNER.
As much as I’ve been disgusted by humans lately, (and by lately I mean the past two years) I think they’re absolutely fascinating and I am continuously astounded by how talented people can be. To be fair, my hatred of people most likely stems from the fact that I go to a school where everybody is completely tactless, rude, awkward, self-absorbed and pretty much just makes me feel ill. I just don’t understand how people can COMPLETELY lack self-awareness or why they don’t believe in being happy and treating others with respect. I mean, I sure don’t think the entire human race is like this, (to some degree, sure, whatever) or at least I hope that’s not the case. But yeah. Humans are pretty amazing when it comes to creating things.
Anyway. Kate and I went to a pilates class yesterday and it was pretty fun, and my ass & thighs are SORE which is a feeling I have a love/hate relationship with. I think we’re going to go every sunday so it should be pretty cool.
Right now my nose is peeing mucous so I’m feeling pretty attractive. Lately I’ve been obsessed with finding random movies to watch (yesterday: the Wackness & Manic) and not doing much else. MAYBE IT’s BECAUSE I HAVE BRONCHITIS???? (and don’t want to leave my room because all I do is cough up mucous and going out in public would require taking a cup with me so I could spit into it every 20 seconds? ummmmmmmmmm not an option right now/ever) Also I’m being reminded of how intensely I developed senioritis in high school and am praying the same thing doesn’t happen to me now. Because, well, that would not be good.
Right now I am looking at the 5 million pictures I have from the summer, feeling very nostaligic, and I am noticing that over the summer I had about 45 different hairstyles (and took pictures of them all, ofc, I would post a sampling of how ridiculously bored I get with my hair but I probably don’t have the patience for this right now). MAN, the summer. Remember how it didn’t get dark till 8:30? the sun was ALWAYS around. Plus I was a lot prettier. great, more things to be annoyed with. But that’s pretty standard stuff I guess. I’ve decided I need to find new friends.
Why does everything cost so much money these days? I don’t even have a job anymore, did I tell you about that? Fuck man, life is weird and I’m disoriented all the time. Yesterday I was convinced it was April. Today I think it’s September. I’m getting sick of being a nostalgic fool
I am sick. sick sick sick sick sick. I don’t evern want to talk about how shitty I feel, as I’m sure it will make me feel even shittier. For now I will just lie here and pretend I don’t feel like there are a million viruses floating through my body, mostly from my throat upward, and look out my window at how sunny it is. But, ew being sick. EW
Um, geez, it’s fucking freezing lately. It’s been single digits (negative with the wind chill) for the past week. All I really want to do is wrap myself in as many blankets as I can find, stay in bed, watch movies. But of course I’ve gone out too much, like last week, the coldest days of the year, clearly a good decision. Friday was my birthday night out, which was fun…but as always, I am ridiculous. I wonder if I will ever grow out of this crazy stage that has lasted, on and off, for the past five years, I wonder if I will ever NOT want to go out and dance on random people and drink colorful drinks that other people buy me. This is just what I do. Hmmm. Why am I even thinking about this, I am 22, this has to last another eight years, at least! Being realistic is not an option for me today!
ARGH I am trying to watch Friday night lights online but the stupid page won’t load. These situations just really don’t mesh well with my severe impatience. I don’t have the desire to do anything at all (though in the past few hours I have been surprisingly productive), which is not the best feeling since I have so much work to do. I’m surprised at how well I am functioning for being sick, can you imagine I’ve been to allllll my classes and rehearsals and meetings and appointments?! Even when I had to walk in the snow all the way to all of them and they required abnormal amounts of energy that I simply don’t have! Can.you.imagine. I give myself a big gold star for yesterday (and some of today).
ahhh i’m officially 22. There’s no better way to start my birthday than a 9am bio class (puke) in 3degree temps, I mean, really. More and more I’ve been thinking about moving to California (after I get over my fear of moving away alone, that is), which is something I never thought I would want to do. I need seasons and winter, I had convinced myself!! Fuck the winter, I could barely move this morning I was so bundled up (and still frozen, obviously). Well, what can ya do. Anywhooo I’m not doing anything for my birthday today, as I refuse to do things when it is this cold outside but plan on getting very drunk this weekend in honor of myself, which is pretty standard anyway. Jenn gave me a card that plays music and features a cat slurping a martini and my mom gave me one that made me cry a little bit when I read it at 3am and was feeling weirdly homesick, even though I’ve only been away from home for 3 days and who am I to be homesick anyway? I make no sense
Ummm this semester is pretty much going to be a nightmare and I’m trying to not think about how I will be end up being a hermit for my last semester of college, but I gotta do what I gotta do. ehh. This winter does not seem like it will be a good one, I hate that an entire season, or the idea of it, can make me so depressed. How stupid. Well I guess I’ll go enjoy the rest of my birthday now, meaning that I will lay in bed thinking about how dark it is at 5 o’clock, and maybe try to read a little bit. (Though it is hard to read a textbook when you are depressed, especially one that talks about the evolution of lizards, birds, etc., and not that I’m overwhelmingly depressed or anything, I just am realizing more and more how much I hate this stupid season and being on this stupid campus! /end complaining) Maybe I’ll cut my hair.
