return
April 29, 2011
I sat there, thinking to myself, this is the day it will be different, this is the week it will be different, everything will be different this month. There was a time when I never spoke of the terrible things that had happened, but now I was constantly bringing them up to myself and everything hurt. At the end of the day, nothing got better and I was no different than I had been last night. I really didn’t think I was being reckless but there was always the same empty feeling when everything ended. I kept crying and he kept staring until I was forced to feel empty, blank, lacking everything I wanted and needed. When will things ever be different? There is no reason to constantly be scared of what tomorrow will bring, what the next ten minutes will bring, what could happen in the next five minutes.
I fell. There was a time when being alone was beautiful, radiant, perfect. The thought of anything else was horrifying and I was incapable of thinking of permanently being somewhere with someone doing something. Night after night I drank in potency, smoked in the bathtub, let you sleep next to me while I laid awake feeling empty but full of grief. I was anything but simple, and my life was full of holes that I eagerly welcomed. When you, whomever you were, left in the morning I felt nothing but exhaustion. Sometimes there was that slight feeling of am I supposed to be feeling something different? but for the most part, I just continued to lay there until I fell into a broken slumber of disturbing pictures. When I woke up I was always cold and starting to bruise nicely. I would make my way down to the ground and eventually slide slowly over to the window where I stared blankly into the universe. I knew it was full of secrets just like I was. I guess you could say I was afraid of feeling anything new, but I just didn’t believe in new – I had seen it all before. I stared out the window and kept feeling the cold damage pour into my body.
Legs and veins always tell stories. I find myself thinking the worst is over, trying to convince myself that I am moving forward but there is always something worse. Don’t worry, it will find you.
