excess disgust

i really am too minimalistic for any of this. there was a silver beam in the middle of the room and i was tied to it for too long, crying at his how his sadistic neural networks were wired, wishing to be anywhere else. i was three, and eighteen years later, it’s all i can think about, some days. i want to publish a memoir of how tangled hair has spoken for me over the past few years, shivering from thigh bites and bruised mouths yelling FIX ME NOW over and over again, but there’s no one to fix me and my scars aren’t so quirky anymore. i realize i make no sense when the clock strikes two, when it’s dark and everybody’s panting at each other, eyes lit with desire, mouths dripping with foul words and lies, pouring out so easily. i haven’t had a monogamous bone in my stupid body for the past 21 years and now i’m sitting here ready and willing, a scared idiot refusing to give myself what i deserve. truth be told, i’m tired and broken and sick of playing this role i have so effortlessly fallen into. i fall in and out of lust for somebody that doesn’t give me anything but these stupid bruises i am so disgustingly obsessed with. there is nothing nice about a life filled with anger, nothing nice about people who disregard sunshine and shut the door tightly right when the cool breeze is beginning to flow in, nothing nice about being jaded to the point where she looks at each human thinking this person is going to tear me apart, this person will eventually violently rip my life wide open and ruin my progress. how is this a healthy lifestyle? her mouth is forced shut as she crouches down by the ground, hiding her cigarette because she doesn’t know where it came from, she doesn’t know how she got here or where she’s even going next, she’s got no plan, just a sack of hope that’s been stomped on for the past few years. i feel like it was just hours ago that i was dreaming of being left alone in a stadium with a dead body, being abandoned by the one person i’ve known for the past ten years. she left me there, left me with the stupid man who spoke to me from beyond this life in a voice that covered my skin with goosebumps and familiarity. i love the shit out of you but when i think about it, i love absolutely nothing about you.