Things are changing, how stupid. Things are always changing these days, I see it in the smallest manifestations of life, though the majority of things seem dull, constant, habitual, boring, bla blaa. Of course I have five million important big things to do in the next week and of course I am putting them all off until the very last day, in the process creating an unecessary amount of everlasting stress for myself, stress that could very well be (somewhat) minimized if I stopped being the queen of procrastination that I am. I am an asshole to myself. Sometimes I think that this is how it is always going to be, I will always find a way to treat myself like shit regardless of how many chances I have to do the complete opposite. And I will continue to be very aware of it, realizing that I am ridiculous and inefficient at times (not all the time, I promise) but I will refuse to do anything about it because my life needs to be difficult to the point of having a breakdown. Always. Always, man!
Well I didn’t get Teach for America, no surprise there, though I had somehow managed to hold onto this tiny bit of hope that somehow somebody would overlook how stupid I am at life (ummmm, but secretly awesome, of course) and make a huge mistake and let me teach some kids for two years. Unfortunately (fortunately, for the kids) that did not happen and I am back to where I started, with no hope for my future etc. It is a pretty awesome place to be! I feel like it’s right that I didn’t get it though, I was so unsure about how I felt about it and while I was all excited when writing the essays and applying, I knew that excitement would be short lived and I probably would not have enough faith in myself to go through with it anyway (though I think I would be a rad teacher, I’m not going to lie to myself about that). BUT regardless it would have been nice for someone to be like “Deb you’re not a complete waste, you’re good at some things, and we’re not going to reject you, your life is not a joke of epic proportions, we promise, come work for us and stop stressing about what you have to do with your life for the next year or two!” But, nope. It’s okay, I tell myself. Speaking of stressing about what I have to do with my life for the next year or two, I have been treating it like it’s a completely irrelevant issue, like I don’t have to worry about it at all. I’m pretty good at this whole “pretend your life isn’t a joke right now and won’t still be a joke in 4 months even though you’ll have a college degree from a pretty damn good school” thing, but man, am I not the most delusional person alive right now? Man this is making me stupidly depressed. I have decided to not write in here again until something significantly positive happens. See you in ten years, internet audience!
