How cool of me, to be writing in my online blog when I have 300 sheets of bio I need to learn/get through/master/puke on. It’s not that I hate this class or anything, or even that I hate bio, I just have this terrible relationship with it in the sense that it always reminds me of how disgusting my first three semesters of college were and how fucked up I was over them. I just have no interest whatsoever in learning about how plants really can sexually AND asexually reproduce (like it’s a big secret or something and only top-notch biologists are allowed to know? ummm, okay, if that’s what gets you through the day) or why it was really important for a certain species of special seeds in Norway 5 million years ago to be distributed in a specific manner or “how many millions of years ago did this weird stupid gene that had a mutation rate of .00000002342 drift apart from another weird stupid gene that it was pretty much identical to?” or “what is the evolutionary paradox of sexuality?” I mean. I DON’T CARE. And while I have convinced myself that I am going to know a lot of important biological concepts after I finish this class and do well in it, I can’t help thinking about how useless this information will be to me in my future. Like, what, I’m going to be standing outside at a psych conference and some distinguished psychologist will walk up to me and we’ll start admiring the flowers in the garden and he’ll make some comment about how pretty they are and I’ll jump in with “Well actually, did you know that those flowers reproduce asexually 45% of the time, but the other 55% of the time they’re completely sexual! Did you know that they’re related to a rare species that evolved 3 million years ago but they evolved without natural selection? I mean, can you imagine! Did you even know that was possible??” Ummmm. Yeah, I can totally see that happening.
Anyway. This morning I was so good at convincing myself I was going to be productive, ummmm, fail. I got up early, did work, went to the new boulder (across the river, it’s actually really nice, larger than the one on alexander, two levels, though it was freezing in there and of course no one else was cold but jenn and I had to leave we were so frozen at one point), where I got some work done and then, woops, out of nowhere had an anxiety attack. TIME TO GO! ahh I was just so cold and uncomfortable and of course freaking out over nothing, secretly freaking out to jenn (and of course she is understanding of these things, which I appreciate, because had I been with other people it would have been ten times more inappropriate and awkward, whatever, but she understands and typically does a good job of pretending that it is an endearing quality of mine, thanks jenn, you’re the best, i’d marry you if you were a dude). Like I said before, I am becoming an extrovert with social anxiety, how weird/annoying/inconvenient. Anyway. So now I am just sitting here, working on this (really really fucking long) problem set, trying to forget I have a big test on wednesday. I think I spent about two hours today trying to find a place on campus to study that wasn’t crowded by people or freezing and, big shocker, I couldn’t do it. So. I want to know what I am (well my parents are) paying $40,000 every year for me to go to this school?? I think it’s too late to be asking this question. Speaking of it being too late, there are 98 days until graduation. I guess that is code for “get your shit together you idiot”. Yep.
