I’m lying facedown in the snow and giving it all up. I’m so attracted to lonely people, but what I don’t initially recognize is that they’re lonely for a reason and I’m not going to help anybody with how much I care. I care too much, and then I don’t care at all and it enrages me most of the time, to the point where I’m so drained of everything I’d saved up for so long. Then I’m left starting all over, the beginning of a massively downward spiral that starts as a mystery until I recognize how it’s all going to end. It’s all so typical. In the end everything’s as empty as it had begun, and I just don’t care because this is who we are and nothing’s changing anytime soon. It’s nice when things are good for awhile, a dash of hope’s all I need to think, I can, I will, it’s okay, or at least it will be.
Anyway.
I have to go back to school tomorrow, school meaning Rochester. Apparently it is going to be a high of 3 degrees on wednesday, the first day of classes, my 22nd birthday, a day spent alone (“alone”) and cold and not drunk because getting drunk would take effort on my part, and when it’s that cold I have no effort to give, not even to celebrate that I’ve been alive for 22 years. (Though I’m all about celebrating that I am alive) Great just what I want to do, walk a mile to my 9am bio class when it’s unbearably cold. Can you imagine how much I will complain on that day? I mean, really. I think making the transition back to school will be especially difficult, as I have grown accustomed to being at home, sleeping in my new massive bed, waking up late, watching terrible television, eating meat (something I pretty much refuse to do on campus), etc. I am not ready to go back to a constant state of being alone (“alone”) and angry and drunk (even though clearly I make things that way and need to lighten up). Mostly I just don’t want to deal with people, classes, responsibilities, life. Man I will make a great adult! But I think that this is just a winter thing, as the winter does this to me, and I will grow out of it in few months. I’m just feeling so unsettled these days. Like sad nausea.
