a habit

Haha, I just wrote 2008, oops. So recently I was made aware that i have this terrible habit of always saying “sorry i have a boyfriend” whenever a guy/(I’m 22, should I be calling them men? since they’re mostly my age or older? fuck it, they’re all little boys to me still) asks me to go out/hang out/etc. Granted, a lot of them are probably crazy and most likely I wouldn’t want to date any of them (“date”) but it made me think about how weird and stupid I can be, and how do I know that one of these guys is not my future husband?? (God I hope not, geez, besides I’m not getting married) I don’t even think about it anymore, just say those five words without taking the time to consider whether I would actually want to maybe hang out with them. I have programmed myself to be closed off to new experiences with men! at the age of 22! how sad! I think mostly it’s because I am highly uncomfortable when the opposite sex is nice to me/compliments me but perfectly comfortable around shady dudes/potential assfucks. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I don’t even really care, I can’t even deal with myself let alone deal with the obnoxious ordeals that come along with dealing with men on a daily basis, I just was thinking about how I just brush guys off so quickly, especially if they seem like generally nice dudes. Nice dudes just make me so uncomfortable, I need to grow up. Maybe then I wouldn’t constantly be in situations sleeping with fucked up dudes who don’t give two shits about anything (no offense to anybody, it’s my choice after all). I think maybe I will try to be more aware of how I treat men and how I think about them (for example, I think that they are mostly just objects to be used for convenience, not used in a particularly disrespectful way, just used for what they’re good for, which isn’t a whole lot), maybe I will let them be nice to me and treat me well. Just maybe. Also maybe I will consider that it is okay to date guys rather than just sleep with them and not give a shit otherwise. ehh, who am I kidding
Anyway. Well it looks like I might actually get to present some of my research at a poster session in march. I just have to submit an abstract and hope it gets accepted. Please accept me don’t you see how amazing I am?? (yeah right) Other than that not a whole lot is going on, I’m still on break for another few days and trying to deal with the fact that this is the last time I’m going ‘back to school’ from winter break. I also wish my mother would stop saying “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE  WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FAILURE I WISH YOU WERE GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL RIGHT AWAY DON’T YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS TERRIBLE AND YOU WON’T  BE ABLE TO FIND A JOB THAT PAYS YOU WELL ENOUGH TO LIVE ON YOUR OWN AND THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL!!?!! PLEASEEEEE GO TO GRAD SCHOOL APPLY RIGHT NOW PLEASE DON’T RUIN MY DREAMS FOR YOU” i’m surprised my dad hasn’t said anything, but he’s in denial about most things, namely that he shares genes with me.
Yup that’s it for now.