i am laying wide awake in bed, it is 9am and i have been awake for an hour unable to fall back asleep. things i have done in this hour: read about israel/palestine, think about winter vs. summer, search for the unbearable lightness of being online, as i really want to see that movie and young DDL. i have been thinking about how it will probably be very depressing living alone in the wintertime. last summer when i lived alone i was fine, i was great actually, minus the situation with the psycho (but i am ready to face the fact that somehow, no matter how good things seem and how i happy i become, there will always be some secret psycho in my life that is scarily obsessed with me, for god knows what reason, and ends up doing something terrible that adds even more emotional baggage to my already huge pile/finds a way to scar me in some new way that i never even imagined possible, welcome to the good life deb), but i mean i was happy and didn’t mind that i was completely alone, i didn’t even think about it. i just went to work and had fun and didn’t worry about fixing people’s lives and was social and met new people and had ‘me’ time and got fucked up with people that didn’t bug the shit outta me. i think my love for winter is slowly dying which is not surprising as i am finding myself to be increasingly depression-prone, also because in the wintertime all i want to do is stay inside and watch movies and drink wine and warm my stupid always cold self by turning the heat up to 70 degrees (a luxury i will most definitely not have when i live all by my lonesome). i mean when it’s summer i can do so many more things and don’t have to wear 500 layers of clothing or lock myself inside…….and oh the smells of summer, so good. i remember when i was younger i loved the summer, mostly for the same reasons i am starting to love it again (minus the getting fucked up/ease of going out part), and then i hated the summer (i’m assuming because i discovered that heat + my hair = not fun and i had become increasingly vain in regards to those things) and i went through the whole ‘i love snow more than anything in the world’ phase, but now i am starting to realize how much the winter completely sucks in regards to motivation to be alive. alive in the sense of doing things, not in the sense of breathing air and existing. plus i never want to drive in the snow and i am eternally terrified of driving when it is remotely icy out, scared that i will hit a patch of ice and land upside down in some snow covered ditch where no one will be able to find me (or even care to) and i will die in the cold. this is just something that does not appeal to me. and ahhhhh going out in the wintertime takes so much effort! it’s all about fall, guys.
i don’t even know why i just spent that much time talking about that. anyway.
speaking of not liking things at all, i have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning and i am wishing i didn’t have to. doctors are stupiddddd, i can’t believe i ever wanted to be one. they fuck with your head and it makes me so angry! i just want to get this over with, i hate getting bloodwork done because by the time i get the results it will be time for me to go back to school and then i’ll end up facing the same problem i did last time, my doctor will want to send me to a bunch of specialists and i won’t be in town and then he’ll call me and freak me out for no reason (“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, DO YOU BLEED A LOT, ALL THE TIME????!?!?”) “Well kind of, but I do wake up with a lot of bruises and I am eternally dizzy, which I’ve told you a million times but you don’t listen, thus not helping my problem at all and adding to my intense hatred of doctors”. Stupid. But really my doctor is a nice guy, a nice jewish man who means well, I just hate how most doctors are motivated by things they should not be motivated by in a field that should exist to help people. don’t you agree?
Anyway I am tired and pissed off that I couldn’t fall back asleep and will most likely continue to be lazy by laying in bed and entertaining myself with the internet. Or maybe I will take a shower. Probably not. I have a newfound love for dannon vanilla yogurt (in case you were wondering). And it only costs 58 cents! imagine that. something i can actually afford in today’s world.
