humans. pilates.

As much as I’ve been disgusted by humans lately, (and by lately I mean the past two years) I think they’re absolutely fascinating and I am continuously astounded by how talented people can be.  To be fair, my hatred of people most likely stems from the fact that I go to a school where everybody is completely tactless, rude, awkward, self-absorbed and pretty much just makes me feel ill. I just don’t understand how people can COMPLETELY lack self-awareness or why they don’t believe in being happy and treating others with respect.  I mean, I sure don’t think the entire human race is like this, (to some degree, sure, whatever) or at least I hope that’s not the case. But yeah. Humans are pretty amazing when it comes to creating things.
Anyway. Kate and I went to a pilates class yesterday and it was pretty fun, and my ass & thighs are SORE which is a feeling I have a love/hate relationship with. I think we’re going to go every sunday so it should be pretty cool.

aiglatson

Right now my nose is peeing mucous so I’m feeling pretty attractive. Lately I’ve been obsessed with finding random movies to watch (yesterday: the Wackness & Manic) and not doing much else. MAYBE IT’s BECAUSE I HAVE BRONCHITIS???? (and don’t want to leave my room because all I do is cough up mucous and going out in public would require taking a cup with me so I could spit into it  every 20 seconds? ummmmmmmmmm not an option right now/ever) Also I’m being reminded of how intensely I developed senioritis in high school and am praying the same thing doesn’t happen to me now. Because, well, that would not be good.
Right now I am looking at the 5 million pictures I have from the summer, feeling very nostaligic, and I am noticing that over the summer I had about 45 different hairstyles (and took pictures of them all, ofc, I would post a sampling of how ridiculously bored I get with my hair but I probably don’t have the patience for this right now). MAN, the summer. Remember how it didn’t get dark till 8:30? the sun was ALWAYS around. Plus I was a lot prettier. great, more things to be annoyed with. But that’s pretty standard stuff I guess. I’ve decided I need to find new friends.
Why does everything cost so much money these days? I don’t even have a job anymore, did I tell you about that? Fuck man, life is weird and I’m disoriented all the time. Yesterday I was convinced it was April. Today I think it’s September. I’m getting sick of being a nostalgic fool

viral vs. bacterial

I am sick. sick sick sick sick sick. I don’t evern want to talk about how shitty I feel, as I’m sure it will make me feel even shittier. For now I will just lie here and pretend I don’t feel like there are a million viruses floating through my body, mostly from my throat upward, and look out my window at how sunny it is. But, ew being sick. EW
Um, geez, it’s fucking freezing lately. It’s been single digits (negative with the wind chill) for the past week. All I really want to do is wrap myself in as many blankets as I can find, stay in bed, watch movies. But of course I’ve gone out too much, like last week, the coldest days of the year, clearly a good decision. Friday was my birthday night out, which was fun…but as always, I am ridiculous. I wonder if I will ever grow out of this crazy stage that has lasted, on and off, for the past five years, I wonder if I will ever NOT want to go out and dance on random people and drink colorful drinks that other people buy me. This is just what I do. Hmmm. Why am I even thinking about this, I am 22, this has to last another eight years, at least! Being realistic is not an option for me today!
ARGH I am trying to watch Friday night lights online but the stupid page won’t load. These situations just really don’t mesh well with my severe impatience. I don’t have the desire to do anything at all (though in the past few hours I have been surprisingly productive), which is not the best feeling since I have so much work to do. I’m surprised at how well I am functioning for being sick, can you imagine I’ve been to allllll my classes and rehearsals and meetings and appointments?! Even when I had to walk in the snow all the way to all of them and they required abnormal amounts of energy that I simply don’t have! Can.you.imagine. I give myself a big gold star for yesterday (and some of today).

22

ahhh i’m officially 22. There’s no better way to start my birthday than a 9am bio class (puke) in 3degree temps, I mean, really. More and more I’ve been thinking about moving to California (after I get over my fear of moving away alone, that is), which is something I never thought I would want to do. I need seasons and winter, I had convinced myself!! Fuck the winter, I could barely move this morning I was so bundled up (and still frozen, obviously). Well, what can ya do. Anywhooo I’m not doing anything for my birthday today, as I refuse to do things when it is this cold outside but plan on getting very drunk this weekend in honor of myself, which is pretty standard anyway. Jenn gave me a card that plays music and features a cat slurping  a martini and my mom gave me one that made me cry a little bit when I read it at 3am and was feeling weirdly homesick, even though I’ve only been away from home for 3 days and who am I to be homesick anyway? I make no sense
Ummm this semester is pretty much going to be a nightmare and I’m trying to not think about how I will be end up being a hermit for my last semester of college, but I gotta do what I gotta do. ehh. This winter does not seem like it will be a good one, I hate that an entire season, or the idea of it, can make me so depressed. How stupid. Well I guess I’ll go enjoy the rest of my birthday now, meaning that I will lay in bed thinking about how dark it is at 5 o’clock, and maybe try to read a little bit. (Though it is hard to read a textbook when you are depressed, especially one that talks about the evolution of lizards, birds, etc., and not that I’m overwhelmingly depressed or anything, I just am realizing more and more how much I hate this stupid season and being on this stupid campus! /end complaining) Maybe I’ll cut my hair.

[not thinking about] time

Well I’m back at school. I forgot how completely unbearably cold it is in my room ALL THE TIME. I’m watching the Golden Globes right now, Eva Longoria looks busteddddd (though her dress is really pretty). i never understood why everyone had such a boner for her in the first place. (Oh man, kate winslet is so pretty and classy and adorable, she just won 2 Golden Globes, I never used to like her before really, and right now I am finding myself weirdly wanting her to be with leonardo dicaprio. ummm.) I guess I need to watch Slumdog Millionaire now, huh.
So I have this new weird obsession with organizing things, rearranging, cleaning to a certain degree (Who am I? I don’t know.) I also had the desire to bake things over break (bake??? me? me near an oven??!!!).  I had mixed feelings about leaving home today, I wanted to come back to roc but this morning I was in the strangest depression, to the point of almost crying, feeling homesick before I even left, just not content at all about having to be back here (even though two days ago I was being pretty damn impatient about leaving buffalo). I am all over the place and I am so bad at making changes, even the smallest ones, in my life. I just cannot believe this is my last semester, where did the time go? Thinking about the concept of time really has been bugging me lately, so I will choose to not think about it until I am forced to (so, probably in 5 minutes).
eh I need to go to sleep, a task that seems like it will be extremely difficult, as I am freezing over here, even being wrapped in a blanket. Someday I will have something of substance to say, maybe, just not today.

cute, in a creepy way

I’m lying facedown in the snow and giving it all up. I’m so attracted to lonely people, but what I don’t initially recognize is that they’re lonely for a reason and I’m not going to help anybody with how much I care. I care too much, and then I don’t care at all and it enrages me most of the time, to the point where I’m so drained of everything I’d saved up for so long. Then I’m left starting all over, the beginning of a massively downward spiral that starts as a mystery until I recognize how it’s all going to end. It’s all so typical. In the end everything’s as empty as it had begun, and I just don’t care because this is who we are and nothing’s changing anytime soon. It’s nice when things are good for awhile, a dash of hope’s all I need to think, I can, I will, it’s okay, or at least it will be.
Anyway.
I have to go back to school tomorrow, school meaning Rochester. Apparently it is going to be a high of 3 degrees on wednesday, the first day of classes, my 22nd birthday, a day spent alone (“alone”) and cold and not drunk because getting drunk would take effort on my part, and when it’s that cold I have no effort to give, not even to celebrate that I’ve been alive for 22 years. (Though I’m all about celebrating that I am alive) Great just what I want to do, walk a mile to my 9am bio class when it’s unbearably cold. Can you imagine how much I will complain on that day? I mean, really. I think making the transition back to school will be especially difficult, as I have grown accustomed to being at home, sleeping in my new massive bed, waking up late, watching terrible television, eating meat (something I pretty much refuse to do on campus), etc. I am not ready to go back to a constant state of being alone (“alone”) and angry and drunk (even though clearly I make things that way and need to lighten up). Mostly I just don’t want to deal with people, classes, responsibilities, life. Man I will make a great adult! But I think that this is just a winter thing, as the winter does this to me, and I will grow out of it in few months. I’m just feeling so unsettled these days. Like sad nausea.

accomplishments

So I was up at 5am this morning to go downtown to the courthouse (in the terrible weather, snow, wind and all) because my mom finally decided to take her citizenship test (after about 30 years of living in this country, no big deal) and this morning was her oath ceremony/actual certification. it was pretty rad, i must say (minus the judge that looked like dick cheney), there were about 70 people from all over the world (some brand new to the country, some having lived here for years) getting their citizenship and it was just awesome to see all these different people coming together for the same reason, forgetting their differences and just sitting together, congratulating each other, experiencing such a wonderful monumental day together.
Also another thing to celebrate: my dad

http://www.genengnews.com/news/bnitem_print.aspx?name=47781083

This is a hugggge deal for him. He’s been in the news for the past week, his paper just got published in Nature, which is a massive accomplishment, our phone has been ringing off the hook and he’s constantly doing interviews with people all over the place, he’s on TV etc. It’s exciting that after so many years this discovery has finally been made.

Anyway. I’m still pretty apathetic about things in general, relationships and people I mean, but I am definitely starting to feel the anxiety about this semester and life after college, etc. I wish I could be like some people and not really worry about it, but that’s what I do, I worry, I’m a worrier, always have been and am pretty sure I won’t be growing out of it any time soon. It doesn’t help that every five minutes my mother asks me things like “how do you feel about graduating?!?”/ “aren’t you soooo excited that this is your last semester of college!!!???” / “you’re graduating so soon!!!!” Mom, I know, stop! I’m so completely unprepared for life, I think.

a habit

Haha, I just wrote 2008, oops. So recently I was made aware that i have this terrible habit of always saying “sorry i have a boyfriend” whenever a guy/(I’m 22, should I be calling them men? since they’re mostly my age or older? fuck it, they’re all little boys to me still) asks me to go out/hang out/etc. Granted, a lot of them are probably crazy and most likely I wouldn’t want to date any of them (“date”) but it made me think about how weird and stupid I can be, and how do I know that one of these guys is not my future husband?? (God I hope not, geez, besides I’m not getting married) I don’t even think about it anymore, just say those five words without taking the time to consider whether I would actually want to maybe hang out with them. I have programmed myself to be closed off to new experiences with men! at the age of 22! how sad! I think mostly it’s because I am highly uncomfortable when the opposite sex is nice to me/compliments me but perfectly comfortable around shady dudes/potential assfucks. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I don’t even really care, I can’t even deal with myself let alone deal with the obnoxious ordeals that come along with dealing with men on a daily basis, I just was thinking about how I just brush guys off so quickly, especially if they seem like generally nice dudes. Nice dudes just make me so uncomfortable, I need to grow up. Maybe then I wouldn’t constantly be in situations sleeping with fucked up dudes who don’t give two shits about anything (no offense to anybody, it’s my choice after all). I think maybe I will try to be more aware of how I treat men and how I think about them (for example, I think that they are mostly just objects to be used for convenience, not used in a particularly disrespectful way, just used for what they’re good for, which isn’t a whole lot), maybe I will let them be nice to me and treat me well. Just maybe. Also maybe I will consider that it is okay to date guys rather than just sleep with them and not give a shit otherwise. ehh, who am I kidding
Anyway. Well it looks like I might actually get to present some of my research at a poster session in march. I just have to submit an abstract and hope it gets accepted. Please accept me don’t you see how amazing I am?? (yeah right) Other than that not a whole lot is going on, I’m still on break for another few days and trying to deal with the fact that this is the last time I’m going ‘back to school’ from winter break. I also wish my mother would stop saying “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE  WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FAILURE I WISH YOU WERE GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL RIGHT AWAY DON’T YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS TERRIBLE AND YOU WON’T  BE ABLE TO FIND A JOB THAT PAYS YOU WELL ENOUGH TO LIVE ON YOUR OWN AND THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL!!?!! PLEASEEEEE GO TO GRAD SCHOOL APPLY RIGHT NOW PLEASE DON’T RUIN MY DREAMS FOR YOU” i’m surprised my dad hasn’t said anything, but he’s in denial about most things, namely that he shares genes with me.
Yup that’s it for now.

(stupid) thoughts

i am laying wide awake in bed, it is 9am and i have been awake for an hour unable to fall back asleep. things i have done in this hour: read about israel/palestine, think about winter vs. summer, search for the unbearable lightness of being online, as i really want to see that movie and young DDL. i have been thinking about how it will probably be very depressing living alone in the wintertime. last summer when i lived alone i was fine, i was great actually, minus the situation with the psycho (but i am ready to face the fact that somehow, no matter how good things seem and how i happy i become, there will always be some secret psycho in my life that is scarily obsessed with me, for god knows what reason, and ends up doing something terrible that adds even more emotional baggage to my already huge pile/finds a way to scar me in some new way that i never even imagined possible, welcome to the good life deb), but i mean i was happy and didn’t mind that i was completely alone, i didn’t even think about it. i just went to work and had fun and didn’t worry about fixing people’s lives and was social and met new people and had ‘me’ time and got fucked up with people that didn’t bug the shit outta me. i think my love for winter is slowly dying  which is not surprising as i am finding myself to be increasingly depression-prone, also because in the wintertime all i want to do is stay inside and watch movies and drink wine and warm my stupid always cold self by turning the heat up to 70 degrees (a luxury i will most definitely not have when i live all by my lonesome). i mean when it’s summer i can do so many more things and don’t have to wear 500 layers of clothing or lock myself inside…….and oh the smells of summer, so good. i remember when i was younger i loved the summer, mostly for the same reasons i am starting to love it again (minus the getting fucked up/ease of going out part), and then i hated the summer (i’m assuming because i discovered that heat + my hair = not fun and i had become increasingly vain in regards to those things) and i went through the whole ‘i love snow more than anything in the world’ phase, but now i am starting to realize how much the winter completely sucks in regards to motivation to be alive. alive in the sense of doing things, not in the sense of breathing air and existing. plus i never want to drive in the snow and i am eternally terrified of driving when it is remotely icy out, scared that i will hit a patch of ice and land upside down in some snow covered ditch where no one will be able to find me (or even care to) and i will die in the cold. this is just something that does not appeal to me. and ahhhhh going out in the wintertime takes so much effort! it’s all about fall, guys.
i don’t even know why i just spent that much time talking about that. anyway.
speaking of not liking things at all, i have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning and i am wishing  i didn’t have to. doctors are stupiddddd, i can’t believe i ever wanted to be one. they fuck with your head and it makes me so angry! i just want to get this over with, i hate getting bloodwork done because by the time i get the results it will be time for me to go back to school and then i’ll end up facing the same problem i did last time, my doctor will want to send me to a bunch of specialists and i won’t be in town and then he’ll call me and freak me out for no reason (“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, DO YOU BLEED A LOT, ALL THE TIME????!?!?”) “Well kind of, but I do wake up with a  lot of bruises and I am eternally dizzy, which I’ve told you a million times but you don’t listen, thus not helping my problem at all and adding to my intense hatred of doctors”. Stupid. But really my doctor is a nice guy, a nice jewish man who means well, I just hate how most doctors are motivated by things they should not be motivated by in a field that should exist to help people. don’t you agree?
Anyway I am tired and pissed off that I couldn’t fall back asleep and will most likely continue to be lazy by laying in bed and entertaining myself with the internet. Or maybe I will take a shower. Probably not. I have a newfound love for dannon vanilla yogurt (in case you were wondering). And it only costs 58 cents! imagine that. something i can actually afford in today’s world.

then the tingling starts in my fingertips.

it’s 2009. big things are going to happen, i want this year to be good. i rang in the new year with you all screaming around me, at me, at each other, whatever, and the whole time i was just thinking about how my life has always been about seduction and no security. opening a jar of sunshine is just not enough for me these days, and i hadn’t realized it until just now. it’s not even really sunshine, more just like a random burst of light appearing and disappearing just as quickly.  i need to go away and stop being so angry all the time.

i didn’t write in december. i was too busy being swallowed whole.

i wanted all these things to happen, then they didn’t happen and here i am. it’s stupid in the sense that nobody dies from a lack of these things, any of these things, yet i am dying inside and don’t know how to stop it. i mean, i have ideas but they’re not taking me anywhere; instead i’m laying here poking bones and touching the smooth skin on my face. i am lacking and i am dying. i am laying facedown and knowing that i left my nosebone in the upper righthand corner before i put the padding on, in a meeting of seams. it’s under me right now and i want so very badly to lift up all these stupid layers and get it out but like i said, i am lacking. there is football loudly on the television, a frantic feeling for no reason. i’ve been questioning my true intentions lately.