August showers

Recent events include:

Home for a week; Being reunited with Devin [!!!]; Being ineffective; Moving back to campus tomorrow

I hate packing and I hate that I am about to be a senior in college. Life is too real and scary now.

home is where…

There is something so painfully disorienting, yet strangely comfortable about being in this place. I think the most dominant thing that annoys me is the brutal practicality that my parents shove into each molecule of air that surrounds them, into every word they speak to me and every ounce of control they desire to have over my life. I want to be over all of this. I’ve come to the realization that I am terrified of leaving academia, but not because I fear the ‘real world’ – I just have this pretty picture painted in my head of a happily-lonely girl burying herself in books, theories, words, abstract concepts, finding the romance bleeding out of it all, and it scares me to think of a world without all of these things. Secretly, I bury myself in vivid [day]dreams and strange fantasies, writing about them, breathing them in, front to back, on all sides, around in circles, but somehow I have found a way to apply them to the world I am functioning in [surprisingly well, given recent events]. ‘Recent events‘ include running from, fearing, avoiding, being terrorized. It’s been a terrible year for these things we are so eager to label as ‘friendships’.

August hasn’t been so kind as far as I’m concerned – you’ve been so rough to me and I’ve lost the little faith I had left in the humans that so selfishly surround me. I am shocked that individuals can hurt others to such great extents, act like nothing has happened, and beg for forgiveness without once feeling what a genuine apology is. What no longer shocks me is how easily I forgive and convince myself that it is crucial that I move on. It’s difficult to go through this repeatedly with people who are so sure that they have the capacity to be a good friend, yet they always seem to forget that the effort must go both ways, must come from both directions and meet somewhere in the middle. I really don’t want to hear about how I need to stop thinking all people are bad, because aside from the handful of good people I have come across in my life, I have no reason to trust anybody after the month [/year(s)] that has[ve] passed. Ehhhh, I just have no reason to allow people to suck the life out of me, I am not that girl anymore.

One more week of this, then I begin my final year of college. I find the following so amazing: music has the most powerful ability to regenerate all that is contained within my photographic memory, more than significant scents, more than anything else. Such power, so amazing! I could think about this for days. Instead, I should pick up the pieces of my life. My goal is to somehow find beauty in all this disappointment, and I have no doubts regarding my ability to do so. Another option is to dance around dizzily to Ratatat for the rest of my life…