Leaves dangle from my earlobes and I just want to be excited about life again. It is this one simple desire that I am searching for at the end of a long week, something that I often used to desire without any awareness or acceptance of my physical actions. I am learning to take responsibility for the things that I say, think, believe, desire, do, and it is a liberating feeling that is often accompanied by visions of loss but rarely regret. It costs me twenty and one-half dollars to travel home for a hectic weekend, a ride that allows pulp to readily flow from my mind as strangers stare at this brutally sore thumb. I am not careful and have been taking far too many risks lately, though I do not risk in the ways that I should. I show far too much affection to those who have not earned it and as detached as I remain, it’s becoming difficult to piece together the hundreds of fragments that are floating through grey matter. This universe is changing and you are nothing but a cliche when you constantly speak of your numbness, but because we are alike in so many ways I ignore these things about you and continue to pour love and acceptance over you, around you.
I have realized that it takes so much for me to truly dislike an individual that I once cared for, to sever all ties from him or her, to genuinely rid myself of that last ounce of compassion and love. I have been thinking of how crucial the ability to forgive is in regards to mental fitness. I truly believe that forgiveness can set you free from ideas and people that have a strange power of you and the ability to haunt your existence to any degree. I am so far from perfect and am growing increasingly cognizant of my flaws, every detail that makes me the imperfect human that I am, and learning to change what I believe can be changed and accept what will stay with me throughout the life I live in this world. I am also recognizing that I possess certain characteristics that I can only hope to convey to others and pass on at some point in this life, one being the undeniable ability to forgive those who have hurt me and the ones I care for deeply. I really do believe that it is impossible to grow without forgiving those who have adversely affected your life, whether or not they ask for your forgiveness. Change is nowhere near immediate, but it is a wonderful concept that I am slowly trying to stop fearing. Before this summer, I had never realized how genuinely deep my fear of change was and how stifled my mental growth and well-being had become because of it. There is one thing that I truly desired this summer, and that was some sort of acceptance and realization of who I am and what I want in life; this one desire of mine is slowly becoming fulfilled and it is a wonderful feeling that grows daily.
I have been thinking of this idea, of being a whole person, being so satisfied with things that I desire nothing more, dismissing my materialistic impulses, giving and receiving love equally, just knowing that things may drastically change at any moment and finding comfort, rather than anxious fear, in the concept of adaptation. It’s encouraging, knowing that some day I will know what this idea of inner peace truly feels like, but right now it’s a mere abstraction that floats into existence when nothing else can penetrate. Currently I find myself discovering periods of tranquil existence when drowning simple sorrows with great songs and thinking that someday this will all be worth something.
