I am so strangely content with living alone and so surprised that I can make such a statement. Maybe this will change in a few weeks, but for now I am soaking in things that I normally wouldn’t be able to, breathing air that is normally stifled by the neediness of others, thinking about things that don’t involve the repair of other’s lives. I am not sad, not happy, not excited, not depressed, I am just myself and am okay with that for the first time in too long. I have been aware lately, aware that I have the tendency to be materialistic at times, aware that I have an overwhelming desire to be perfect that never leaves – a desire that I will never be able to embrace, instead I push it down repeatedly because of the terrible habits it results in. I am so far from perfect that is shocking, disgusting, but ultimately beautiful in the sense that it allows me to self-reflect, to grow, to understand others, to love and forgive beyond any expected capacity. The lack of perfection in myself that once repulsed me is what attracts me to the people who are so wrong for me, mistakes that should not be made, experiences that I will not be able to think about without cringing or shaking my head in disbelief.
I will never doubt the power of words and notes on a page or the power of a healthy understanding between two individuals. I will try not to find the darkness of a bruise any more romantic than a bloody lip or burned thigh. I cannot be a source of comfort for those of you that lack respect for yourselves and others – that life is no longer what suits me. You can lay in this dark pool for as long as you desire but there is another world that is aching to include me, one that I am ready to experience again. I never underestimate the power of a memory, never let it pass because there is always a reason for the reappearance of an experience, whether it paralyzes me with guilt and pain or lays a slow smile across my face. So much inspiration can come from what once was, the events that once made me laugh, even those that forced me to defend myself. I will continue to soak that inspiration in, but once it has passed I will let it float away on its own course without dragging it back in with any of this energy that begs so loudly to be redirected.
