The fan blowing soft hair in my face, strangers at the mall, red lips that seduce and steal, secretly welcoming those most unwelcome. Glassy eyes, dark shiny hair, bruised cheeks, my Saturday filled with frustration and large circles of metal bouncing against the sides of my neck in the harshest manner possible, sometimes tickling tender flesh and causing an agonizing groan to escape from the pink that can so quickly be transformed. I am greedy in the best way, impatient in the worst, always finding beauty in the things that are meant to disgust or shock, inspired by the most oddly shaped experiences.
I awoke this morning from a dream that gave me hope for this world that continues to destroy itself, for this life that I am so mechanically living, motivated by the strongest extrinsic forces that disappoint my eagerness to swallow whole everything I am offered. An old man with long dreadlocks rides by on a broken bicycle, maneuvering through the heavy air, slowly licking his lips and smiling like a drunken fool, telling me I am beautiful, evoking no immediate emotion in me. I find myself creating a story about his life, hoping that his desires have been fulfilled, knowing that he has experienced a world I know nothing of, a life I will never live. At night I sit in my window, listening to the cars speed by, the angry horns blowing, the polished wind driven by a life force, the very same that moves me as I walk down the street with the intention of enjoying each step, breathing in every scent, swallowing every texture. I am seeing how people are deprived mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. So much to complain about, yet their mouths remain sewed shut, the thick thread tightly knotted twice. I see those presented with every chance and choice loudly spewing sewage from their mouths always open, begging, crying, ungratefully spiteful and shameless. My heart is exploding with all degrees of love, an inexplicable capacity to forgive, and growing tolerance for those I do not understand and those who do not try to understand me. Words from a dear friend console and encourage me, filling my room with laughter and excitement, hope for what is to come, and the strongest desire to breathe the air that so uncomfortably surrounds me.
